Hey friends! I tend to write really structured updates and the temptation to do that this time is totally there! Instead I’m just going to write about what’s on my mind and fill in the details where I can.
Work Work Work
Work blows. I’ve been a Scrum Master since last August and it’s on par with the terrible internship I had with Orange County back in the day. Lots of theoretical responsibility and a bunch of people too disillusioned and/or busy to really care about Scrum, Agile, technical quality, or me. Most days I have literally nothing to do. I’ve filled the vacuum by taking on large, team-wide server and database migration projects, team satisfaction surveys, trying to keep on top of strategy and momentum, but it all just screeches to a halt the second I have to rely on anyone outside of my office. It’s depressing as hell and leaves me feeling like a useless member of the team (and questioning my own value). Even worse, gaslighting in the form of “we’re all doing a great job” and “Scrum is so important to our success” makes me feel like I don’t even know what reality I’m in half the time.
You’d think having all this “free” time would be a godsend for me, but the cognitive dissonance is not something I’ve shown any aptitude in handling. I’m at work to do work stuff and I go home to do my stuff and I just don’t know how to flop those two. I’ve tried to take advantage of the downtime in a lot of ways: hiking (mostly successful until the heat kicked on), reading, writing (hello!), a video project (incredibly fulfilling and fun until it got down to editing 500+ clips together), working on therapy homework (pretty difficult to do in a work mindset), and most recently, playing my Switch. It works sometimes, but most of the time the feelings of loneliness, inadequacy, and worthlessness kind of push out any room for motivation or enjoyment. And there’s always that chance I could be needed or work could crop up—just enough to leave me paranoid and checking Teams / email every five minutes.
I hope it’s clear that it’s not a good time for me! I can’t complain about being paid semi-well, having vacation and getting health insurance, but this can’t be what my life amounts to.